Top picture - "gotcha" day of 6/29 and bottom picture on 9/29:
One of my friends made this divided picture of Emily on "gotcha" day of June 29th and of her with me three months later on September 29th (and hopefully I will one day have time to try to do a video of our adoption and trip...). This split picture shows a sad girl and then a happy girl. Many who have seen this picture have commented about what a difference three months have made. Very true in many ways. Emily has blossomed and grown (physically and otherwise) more and more each day. But, we could have taken the second picture the week we returned home from China. In fact, most of the pictures (beyond the first few days) of Emily in China show a happy, smiling girl with mom and/or dad. (examples here)
While still in her province:
In Guangzhou - during our second week with her:
First night home having just met biggest brother:
First week home:
The wonderful fact is that Emily is a happy girl. Maybe she would have been like that regardless of her circumstances. I think some people are just more intrinsically happy and resilient than are others. But, I also think that a lot of Emily's happiness and ability to easily adjust to life in a family - as well as her confidence and sparkle - comes from her almost-18-months in a very good orphanage situation.
Despite all of our reading and research and "preparation," we now see that we really probably were at least a little naïve about how things might go. We knew our daughter-to-be looked good (in pictures) and was a healthy height and weight. We knew that she went outside at her orphanage and played on a playground and in a garden. (again - from pictures) We new that her "nanny" strolled her outside and slept with and cuddled her at night (from pictures and updated reports). We knew (from internet research) that her orphanage was small and that the few other parents who have adopted children from there all said that their children were well-cared-for and developmentally on target at "gotcha" day. All good things. But, we still didn't know what exactly to expect. And, we didn't have a lot of this information at the time we had to quickly make a "yes" or "no" decision about Emily's referral file. I think parents who look at "special focus" files before committing to a child or agency may have more time to research and be "ready," but that may not necessarily be the case. (And, as it turned out - even though we were "LID-first" and waiting for that type of match -- our daughter turned out to be a "special focus" child because albinism (as a "permanent" condition) is considered "special focus" (even though we have honestly found it to hardly be a "need" at all)).
I've said it before, but it definitely bears repeating, that we are so grateful to Emily's orphanage for the care the people there provided for her before we came. She was loved and cared for and well fed (80th percentile for height and weight on US/WHO charts -- which is (sadly) highly unusual for internationally adopted children) and played with and talked to and held and responded to and prepared (as much as possible for a 17 month old) for us to come for her. Her "nanny" slept with her at night and cuddled her (and thanks to that beginning - now so do I. :)) The orphanage director and staff let her "play" in the office so that she was around people all day long. The flash drive of pictures we received from the orphanage shows Emily in the office, on the playground, in a stroller, in a garden, going on walks, etc... And when we visited her orphanage, we saw - with our own eyes - the way the staff and other residents (it was partially a facility for older people) treated her and loved her and fed her from their plates and held her and sang and danced with her. We saw her climb aboard and older man's scooter and ride off him around the garden. We met an older, blind woman who hugged us and told us (through our guide) how thankful she was that we were adopting Emily. We saw Emily's special "nanny" cry and cry when we said our final goodbyes and took Emily into the waiting van. We saw an older couple - with whom we were told that Emily sometimes napped in the afternoon in their "residence" at the orphanage - swing her around and sing and dance with her during the lunch the orphanage provided for us that day. We were given access to Emily's entire orphanage file and to her finding note and earliest pictures and infant footprints. The orphanage director also gave us an ornament/keepsake for her of the town/county. These people cared for her... and it has made all the difference.
I've said it before, but it definitely bears repeating, that we are so grateful to Emily's orphanage for the care the people there provided for her before we came. She was loved and cared for and well fed (80th percentile for height and weight on US/WHO charts -- which is (sadly) highly unusual for internationally adopted children) and played with and talked to and held and responded to and prepared (as much as possible for a 17 month old) for us to come for her. Her "nanny" slept with her at night and cuddled her (and thanks to that beginning - now so do I. :)) The orphanage director and staff let her "play" in the office so that she was around people all day long. The flash drive of pictures we received from the orphanage shows Emily in the office, on the playground, in a stroller, in a garden, going on walks, etc... And when we visited her orphanage, we saw - with our own eyes - the way the staff and other residents (it was partially a facility for older people) treated her and loved her and fed her from their plates and held her and sang and danced with her. We saw her climb aboard and older man's scooter and ride off him around the garden. We met an older, blind woman who hugged us and told us (through our guide) how thankful she was that we were adopting Emily. We saw Emily's special "nanny" cry and cry when we said our final goodbyes and took Emily into the waiting van. We saw an older couple - with whom we were told that Emily sometimes napped in the afternoon in their "residence" at the orphanage - swing her around and sing and dance with her during the lunch the orphanage provided for us that day. We were given access to Emily's entire orphanage file and to her finding note and earliest pictures and infant footprints. The orphanage director also gave us an ornament/keepsake for her of the town/county. These people cared for her... and it has made all the difference.
Emily at her orphanage before we got her (first pictures):
Emily with orphanage staff and residents on our "visit" there with her post-adoption:
By no means at all do I consider myself an expert on adoption (or anything else for that matter). Everything I know so far has been gleaned from four years or so of reading people's stories/blogs/emails/posts, reading adoption books, taking adoption-related classes, talking to our agency people and social workers, participating in adoption online groups, and experiencing - first hand - adopting from China this summer. There are many, many, many more people who are much more knowledgeable about adoption than am I. But, I've seen/read/watched enough to know that most adopted children survive and thrive in their new homes. And of those who do, it seems that the ones who have the easiest assimilations into their new families and lives (although there are always exceptions) are those who were responded to, held, well-fed, taught, talked to, cared for, and loved in their orphanages, schools, or foster families. This is - I think - the whole premise behind some of the organizations (Half the Sky and others) who work with and in orphanages to try to make sure that all children are given every opportunity to thrive once placed in adopting families. Even though not even the best orphanage is a substitute for a family, how the children are treated in their first days, weeks, years, makes a difference. Those who have been loved more readily and easily accept the love of their new families. Those who have been talked to and interacted with learn more easily how to adapt and to communicate and learn new things. Those who have been around people more quickly adapt to being with new and more people. Those who have always been well fed learn that they don't need to worry about when another meal will come. And those who have had their cries met with hugs and concern learn that they can trust that their new families will do the same. And this all makes perfect sense. Most adoptive parents will tell you that adoption is a journey instead of a sprint and that the journey is nowhere near complete when you travel to "get" your new child. Many new adoptive parents struggle with their new children's behaviors, crying, attachment, and issues with love, feeding, etc... While every day of our last three months with Emily has not been a picnic (nor have the past 6 and 8 years with our boys been filled with nothing but picnics), Emily has done extremely well with us and in her new family and new life. She has adjusted very easily and we are very, very grateful and thankful.
But after that day and after our final departure from her orphanage (a day and a half later), we didn't see many more tears. We saw tentative trust and curiosity. We saw appropriate wariness of us and of others. We saw her learn to trust us and not to want other people to hold her. We saw love start to blossom. She pretty much joined our family and never seemed to look back. She made eye contact with us from the beginning. She let us rub her feet and bathe her on her first night with us (seemingly small things, but some children who haven't been touched as much can find new touch difficult to accept). She let us feed her and she trusted that there would be more food at the next mealtime. She immediately hugged and embraced our boys. She reached for our hands to go on walks. And, about one month into our time at home with her, she started not just holding onto us when we picked her up, but started giving tight squeezes. She started spontaneously hugging and kissing us and running to meet us if we ever left the house. When I sang an "I love you" song at bedtime, she started stopping me - mid-tune - to cup my cheeks in her hands and to give big kisses. She started hearing her Daddy's car come home at night and running to the door yelling "Da Da!" the way our sons used to do when they were younger. (with age comes more jaded responses to parents' arrivals home...sigh). She started clapping her hands when things made her happy and she learned the things that made us laugh and made of point of trying to repeat those. She trusted us that her dog and cats were nice animals who were OK to love. (And she also threw tantrums when she didn't get her way like any other 18-20 month old would). She really has been just a normal little toddler.
So, last week - after my really wonderful three months home with her (maybe I enjoyed it more because of her age or maybe I'm just older and have tried to learn to better appreciate moments and experiences), I returned to work. I have been at the same law firm for 15+ years and it had always been part of our "plan" for me to return to work - just as I had done after our boys were born. Despite the "plan," we knew that nothing was set in stone and that we would do - as we had promised specifically for Emily, but as we also would have done for our boys - whatever we thought she needed. This is not meant to be a detour into whether people should or shouldn't work or whether it is the "right" thing (adoptive parent or otherwise) to do. But, I don't think that adoption stories from working moms/parents are heard as frequently and I want to encourage prospective adoptive parents who work, or who plan to return to work post-adoption, or whose family circumstances dictate that two people work. I worry that some people who may really want to adopt could be afraid to take the leap of faith because their family plans or circumstances don't necessarily look the same as do the families of many of the people who blog or post or do the wonderful and much-needed labor of love of advocating for children who need families. There may be someone who reads this who is a working parent and I want to encourage him or her that it CAN be done. Children need to be adopted and loved and in families and it can be perfectly OK if the families who come for those children and who promise to love them are made up of two people who work. So, here is my encouraging news: after one rough week (for both me and Emily), we are OK and she has been happy and "normal" at school and at home. Her reports from daycare/school - this week - have said, "Today I was HAPPY." And her teachers - many of whom I count as some of my dearest friends - have sent us messages and emails to assure us that - this week - things really are going well. Does this mean we will never have any tears or issues in the future? No. Does this mean that every child who is adopted can be OK in a situation where both parents work? No. But, for some - and maybe especially for those who have come from situations where they have been loved and cared for and nurtured (like our Emily was) - it is OK and they will survive and thrive and be happy. We are extremely grateful and thankful that Emily has been happy this week and that she has come home in the afternoons with a smile on her face and that she has been her same, confident, funny, happy self. We are so very thankful that the little girl God brought to our family of two working people and two other children could join our group and thrive in our busy home of big brothers, sports and activities, cats, dogs, and general chaos. We think that this - among many, many other reasons - is why Emily was the one for us. And if she hadn't been able to adapt to our status quo and if this week had been as sad as last week (when I was contemplating early retirement :)) and we didn't see any improvement on the horizon, then we would have - as I'm certain most other families would do too - figured out a way to do things differently for her and would have made any necessary changes. Regardless of adopted or biological child, many families face and debate the issue of whether the mom should work. I am not doing that. I just really believe that all families work very hard to make the best decisions for their specific children and their specific circumstances. What works for some families doesn't work for others. And what some children can handle, others cannot. But, as long as we are all looking out for our children and loving them and doing the best we can for them, that is what matters. Just as I think any child (biological or adopted) would be at being taken to preschool at 21 months old, Emily was sad. But, we gave it 5 days, and she has learned that even though she is going somewhere new in the mornings, WE ARE COMING BACK EVERY DAY and SHE IS COMING BACK TO HER HOUSE EVERY DAY and we mean it when we've been telling her for the past three months that MOMMY AND DADDY ALWAYS COME. I really believe that she knows this now and I'm so thankful. So, if this little story/experience can be a source of encouragement to a working mom or to a family of two working people who is considering adoption, I want you to know that it CAN be OK and that your family can absolutely be the right fit for a child in the world who needs a home and a family.
Emily's brothers like to sing (using the tune from "The Lego Movie), "Emily is awesome. Emily is cool - when she's part of our team." And they also sing (using the "Happy" song from "Despicable Me,") "Happy, happy, happy Emily - we're the family for you!" She loves when they sing these songs and she has some pretty cool arm moves (for a little Asian girl in a family with little rhythm). And these little mini-songs pretty much sum up how we feel about her: she IS awesome and happy and if she could not be with her biological family, then we are so very happy to be the family for her!
And now for some pictures of our girl during her third month
(and a little beyond) at home:
I love to take pictures of her while we eat together.
She makes the best faces and looks right at us - which we love!
Fun with yogurt...
She has stolen her big brother's bear and calls him "Baby":
Loves boxes - nice, cheap toys!
Loves to play with chalk outside
She put all of the checkers into the old "Connect Four" game by herself. Take that, albinism!
She has the most beautiful eyes (if I do say so myself):
At her cousin's birthday party, fitting right in with the children:
She loves to draw ("caw") and we love it too (so long as we can keep the "caw" confined to paper vs. sofas, walls, skin, clothes...):
Had to quickly take a picture of her in the silk dress we bought in GZ -
before she outgrows it! :)
First say of her "school" (she looks nervous here, but not crying yet):
Second week picture (sent to me from teacher during the school day to prove that she really was fine and playing with toys):
Couldn't resist closing with the diaper and feet shot:
