"We are ready to love her"

When the topic of Lent came up this year at home and at church, we talked to the boys about what we might give up and what the act of giving something up was supposed to mean.  In the end, we came to a consensus to ADD something in vs. give something up (yes – unorthodox, but it was meaningful to us) and the thing we decided to add was a group prayer before we left for school/work each morning.  Jackson is generally the “leader” of our crew and he appointed himself the official head pray-er for the Lent-induced morning prayer.  And his first group prayer of Lent began this way:  “Thank you Lord for the trees and the plants and us.  Help us all to have a good day.  And please help us to find our sister in China.  We are ready to love her.”  Since this was a good one – as prayers go – and he got looks of approval from all of us, this became THE group prayer.   He didn’t really vary it at all after that first day.  Then, a few days into Lent, we got the call from our agency about Emily.  We had “found our sister in China!”  (perhaps Jackson should be tasked with all prayers for this family…)   And, now that she’s here (we’ve had her for one month as of this date (6/29 “gotcha day” and 7/29 today), we see how we really were – and are – “ready to love her.”   Every day our love for her grows – even if that love is often shown (by one brother in particular) by squeezing her and carrying her from place to place (sometimes despite her protests of “no, no, no!”).

 

On this date one month ago, her orphanage people delivered her to our hotel.  We were nervous beyond description, but we strode forth out of the elevator ready to face whatever the day brought to us.  There she was, chasing a little balloon around the lobby and babbling to herself.  But, I will never forget how I dropped to my knees to be at her level and her orphanage lady said, “mama” and pointed to me and she looked my way and yelled “NO!” (or some version of it).  She cried and cried and tried to buck away from us after the “hand-off” and she sobbed at the window of our hotel room whimpering words that sound like “go-guy-oh” (which we later found out meant “go out of here”).   She wanted nothing to do with us and wanted us to take her out of the room and back to her people.  I hadn’t seen that many tears in a long time.  But, I’d also never seen anyone given away to “strangers” and away from all she had ever known. 

 

By the next day, though, she was willing to take my hand and to allow us to take her to the official adoption appointment.  She let us play with her and she learned her first English word – “toe.”  (Not typical, but it was something that stuck quickly).  And soon enough, she learned to accept us and to let us feed her and hold her and put her to bed and change her and take her from place to place.  She was loved at her orphanage and was around people who cared for her and talked to her and played with her and cared for her.  There is no doubt in my mind that it is because of their love and care for her and their engaging her in play and exposing her to people and language that she has adapted to us and to her new life as well as she has.  She is big and healthy and has already learned at least 15 or more English words (to speak) – and understands even more.  She plays with toys, responds to her name, loves her brothers, and is happy around people and children.  She is not “too happy” or too willing to please – as are some children who have learned to be “pleasers” in order to get attention from orphanage workers.  She looks for us and is sufficiently wary of people who are not part of her family.  She will go into other rooms in our house – out of my sight – but always comes back around a corner to smile and verify that I’m there.  She likes to make us laugh and she loves to laugh at funny things her brothers do.  She loves to sing and dance and grabs our hands or fingers to lead us where she wants to go.  She cries when unhappy or frustrated  or when she wants something and is very much a typical 18 month old.  She looks into our eyes when we talk to her and hold her and she gives hugs.  She is a loving, spunky, funny, spirited little girl and she fits in very well with us. 

 

 

We used to sing a song – based upon the poem by Robert Louis Stevenson – about “how I like to go high in a swing up in the air so blue” when we were swinging in our backyard.  We’d always finish with “oh, I do think it the grandest thing ever a Mommy and a Daddy and a Jackson and a Grammy and a little sister can do.”  I thought about that when she and I were swinging this morning.   The amorphous “little sister” is now here and is filling the toddler swing that we left hanging “just in case” we ever followed through on the dream of adopting.  

So – where are we a month into our family of five?  Pretty good overall.   But, I want to be clear in case any other soon-to-be-adoptive parents read this (if they are like me and frequently read/stalk other people’s blogs for information on what to expect), that I think a lot of what we’re experiencing with Emily is due to her very atypical orphanage beginning.  She was in a very small setting with very few children and lots of caregivers (and, for the last 3-4 months she lived at the orphanage, she was the ONLY child there).  Her nanny and others at the orphanage held her when she cried, responded to her when she was sad, slept with her for naps and bedtime, fed her from their plates, brushed her teeth, took care of her skin and hair, put sunglasses on her when she went outside, let her play, taught her to walk, let her explore outside and inside the buildings (she seemingly had the run of the place – judging from what we saw when we were there), showed her our pictures, and prepared her – as best they could for a child her age – for adoption.   Unfortunately, this is not the typical situation for orphans.  We are definitely reaping the benefits of Emily’s loving upbringing. 

Still – we have had (and are still having) some issues.  Issues that are probably “normal” 18 month old issues compounded by having been thrust into a totally new (and likely far more stimulating) setting, with new people, new things, new foods, etc…   (1) For the first week we were home, Emily was TERRIFIED of our 9 year old very sweet and great-with-kids lab mix dog.  She would go hysterical if he was even in the house at the same time she was.  I put him in the house one day and tried to take her into the backyard and she would not calm down at all since she had seen him in the yard earlier that day.  She would scream and scream if she saw his face through the closed glass door to the deck.   Thankfully, after lots of work with her on this and exposure to us loving him, she will now “allow” him to be in the house and she will come near him and she even reached out to pet his face yesterday.   (2)  SLEEP –  after the first two bad/jet-laggy nights home, she slept pretty well in her crib (with me nearby on a toddler bed).  But, for the past two weeks, it has been VERY difficult to get her to go to sleep (for naps or bedtime) and she has been waking up crying during the night.   Since Justin went back to work, she will not let him put her to bed.  She screams and cries if he makes a move to be the night-time person.   I sing and rock and pat and shh and stand and march and swing and jiggle and sing and rock some more sometimes for up to 50 minutes or longer to get her to sleep on the same schedule she supposedly had at the orphanage and which she followed in China and the first week home.   She has not been sleeping at night in the crib (for the past week) for more than 2-3 hours before crying out for us.  We’re having to lay her on a mattress on the floor and sleep next to her for the rest of the night.  Some nights, she sleeps fine like that and other nights, she rolls all over the place, tries to stand up and requires me to stand and rock and shh and sing and hold her 25 pounds for hours during the night.  This is not good, but we’re not sure what the issue is.  The adoption books and parents and social workers all say NOT to let newly-adopted children cry.  They need to learn that you are their people and that you’ll always respond and will always be there and will always comfort and love them.  So, we’re doing this.  But, it is hard – physically and mentally.  Hopefully this will all work itself out sooner than later.  I slept in Graham’s room for 5.5 years, so it’s a little strange for me to be bothered by all this.  But, having seen the light in China and having slept in a bed and had a baby go easily to sleep, I really don’t want to spend 5 more years in another room (or 5 months for that matter).  I know that sounds selfish, but it’s hard to be “away” from everyone else for so much of the day – even though I’ll do anything to help her learn to love and trust us.  I miss having some time to myself and I miss putting the big boys to bed and I miss having any time to talk to Justin.  This part is hard – just as sleep issues are for any parent anywhere – regardless of whether the children are adopted or biological.

 

So, there is the update.  Other than when it’s naptime or bedtime J, she is joyful and loving and such a gift.  She was absolutely worth the wait and, as Jackson sings to the “Happy” song (from Despicable Me), we are “happy, happy, happy Emily to be the family for you!  Happy, happy, happy Emily – we will always LOVE you.”  (she loves this tune and immediately starts dancing when he tunes up). 

 

We were definitely ready to love her and she was the answer to our little Lent/morning prayer!  I love that the boys were able to experience a prayer really being answered.